As the tears roll down my cheeks I try to remind myself that I had before now made a silent vow never to speak of all things connected to my feelings ever again; I recall the silent determination in my heart when I muttered the words to myself, “never again”. Sometimes we make resolutions that we never see to fuition, set goals we may never achieve and have dreams that may never come to life.
Each step towards being a real grown up is labored and tedious for me. The realization that I am finding myself less interesting than I had thought i’d be is alarming. I mean, I thought I was “cool”. I thought I did not care about what people thought of me. Years before now I would not have cared if someone upped and left my world because I felt I did not need them.
They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with just a footstep, I say a journey of a thousand miles can be ended with just the slip of a foot. For months I shied away from the things that seemed destructive, I held back from the thirst to run wild, yes I did. Almost choking on my own saliva, I had waited with bated breath for Nirvana that never came.
The pain had been real, the sadness heart wrenching, there were nights when I had thought I would empty my soul on my pillow, tears blinding my eyes from thoughts that would not go away, the offspring of rejection that threatened to spell the end of me. I was valiant in my battle to stay afloat, I cried to cry no more, pondered to think no more, locked myself up like a prisoner cast in solitary confinement. There was no venturing into that deep abyss called Love anymore, no thoughts of some knight in shining amour to save me from myself, it was just me, myself, and I.