I recently (yes, just recently) fell in love with Simply Three’s cover version of Hozier’s ‘Take Me To Church. Listening to the overwhelming sounds of the cellos and violins actually made me look up the lyrics of the actual song. It’s a powerful song that sort of describes how I have felt these past few days of 2016. A lot has happened already, and I usually feel overwhelmed whenever I play the song. I always remember to be grateful for music, because without it, i’d be truly dead on the inside.
For me 2016 started on quite a low, then high note. I was so happy, thinking I would get a fresh start away from mistakes that had plagued me from years before, but they came pouring in as strong as ever, almost shattering me, and further proving that indeed a part of me had really died. I know I was born sick, but do I love it? I am not sure. I think I did at first, embracing my sickness as my strength, but over time I have shifted from strong to weak, a type of weakness like one I have never experienced before. I find myself looking, but i can’t see. Deep inside me there are a lot of unsaid words and unshed tears. I thought I’d be glad that I no longer could shed tears over the most frivolous things, but I felt so inhuman when at the point where I needed to cry the most, the tears eluded me.
Just when I thought I was down and under, the creator lifted my spirits in a way I never thought possible. I had spoken it so many times in my heart, but never had the courage to say it out. In a period of severe austerity, the creator was kind. I felt so ashamed though, I did not deserve such kindness, I had done so much wrong already, I am a horrible person, I turned humans into monsters, why did he do so? I guess I will never really know. Some have said I should accept that I have been forgiven, but can I really do that? Even my own heart can’t forgive me, but I guess time will tell.
If you read this and are trying to make sense of it all, don’t bother trying. I never really write with the intent to counsel or teach. This is my outlet, and I type as my heart dictates. Someday soon, I hope the tears will come, and I can begin to be human again.