There is a question I have always had in my heart, one I have always wanted to ask people I encounter, but really never cared to ask; “why does the world hurriedly admonish people to forget those they have lost”? Why is it easy for unlookers to dismiss the pain of others, especially when it has to do with other humans? I have managed to have another year of harrowing emotional experiences, and yet, whenever I try to talk to my sister about my feelings, she goes “oh forget G, let him go, you need to forget about him because he never cared”. I always ask myself. “why do you expect me to find it easy to forget?” I will really never understand.
Over the years I have watched myself slowly evolve into someone who hardly addresses her true feelings about people. I have learned how to mask emotions, covering my true feelings under thick layers upon layers of deceit. For the past one year and some months I have been in a dilemma, how do I love someone without the world knowing how I feel? I have been compelled to hide my true feelings, to hide my basest thoughts under bouts of anger and frustration. I have slowly become a stranger, even to myself. My fear of rejection and my acquaintance with betrayal and disloyalty have left me loveless and bitter. G, if you ever read this, I have loved you, I love you, and I will love you for a while longer. I just cannot get over the honest you that became a chronic liar. The sweet and ever smiling you that became a cold hearted opportunist. The you who drew me out of my shell only to kill my joy by doing all the things only demons do. I made a mistake trusting your words, I made a mistake treating you like family.
I would see you talk disparagingly about me in places you thought I would never venture into. You would smile in my face and let your friends utter spiteful words about me. Did I do wrong by trying to protect myself? Those lies I found out, do you mean I should have never mentioned finding them? All of a sudden you became a stranger, one who would wander off, then come back to claim all the perks of friendship. I am not sure what you thought would happen; I bet you felt it would be easy to just forget how close we had become and just live on like it was nothing. The worst betrayals are probably the ones from people one saw as friends. I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive you.