It’s a Sunday, and I am here on my bed thinking of how best to pass today’s message across. Not too distant is the sound of praise and worship being sung in the two churches close to where I live, reminding me that I am perhaps in the wrong place at the moment. Growing up, you dared not decide not to go to church, I mean, you would have to be down with a highly contagious ailment to get to skip church.
My parents would never take any excuse for not going to church, but now, after almost three decades on this journey, I am here, on my bed, not in church.
I am wondering why things are not working for me the way I had hoped they would. Why am I in Nigeria, almost four years after bagging my first degree, and not off in Australia or the U.S studying for my Masters? Why am I here, brooding about being alone and sad, when I could have been planning my wedding, like a good number of the girls I went to school with are? Why am I here, pondering on how to get the most out of my job that I have to keep, even when it gives me zero satisfaction, and is a far cry from the path I ought to be if I want to reach my life goals? Does it have anything to do with my dwindling faith? I have not been a regular at church, I have stopped all extra activities there too, (I used to be a lector, a member of the youth organization, and a chorister at one time), and even when I do get to attend church, I find myself disconnected from whatever message is being preached, and most times my subconscious fills the eyes in my head with visions of worldly things I had done in the past. Sometimes, it is almost like there is a force militating against my concentration on the things of God, and other times, I feel I have become so undisciplined that I have no idea whatsoever where to draw the line. Most times though, and more than often, I feel like a person who has been cheating in a relationship. I cheat on God so many times I feel I no longer deserve his mercy, and I am not even worthy to sit down in his presence and ask for this and that. I know how mad I would be at someone who constantly hurts me and still acts like they want me, I mean, if you are sure you want me, why can’t you stay and be faithful? Why fraternize with other women and still beg for my audience? Am I obliged to give into your requests even after you have hurt me so bad? That is how I feel these days. So I am here, asking myself how I am ever going to set things straight, when I find myself, even now, thinking also of some man I want to be with, it is terrible.
I am not an atheist, I am a christian, and so, some of these things deeply worry me. How can I be a part of a life that I have repeatedly renounced through my actions? How can I want to reap the benefits accorded to the children of God while living like a child of the devil? How do I wrest myself from the urge to please the flesh and other human beings rather than the God I claim to believe in? Some people probably feel your success in life is not tied to the divine, I think it is. I know my problem, but I have no idea how to solve it. How do I free myself of this dilemma? How do I kill my conscience and keep thinking of men, money and power, and still love God as I want to? Is it possible to do both at the same time?
I need help.