As the tears roll down my cheeks I try to remind myself that I had before now made a silent vow never to speak of all things connected to my feelings ever again; I recall the silent determination in my heart when I muttered the words to myself, “never again”. Sometimes we make resolutions that we never see to fuition, set goals we may never achieve and have dreams that may never come to life.
Sometimes this stops us from dreaming, we shake off the urge to cast away our inhibitions and just soar, fly away. Sometimes we try to fly but keep one foot on the ground because we are afraid that Icarus may have had it better than us if we try; but what’s left to fight for when it seems like all is lost? What is the use of trying to live when your will to do so is dwarfed by the manifestation of more of your fears than your fantasy?
I try not to write, or speak from emotion, but I find that somehow I need to rid my mind of this commotion; why do things never go right? Why do I feel like somehow nature beholds me in spite? Why do I feel like the odds would never be in my favor? My heart I so freely give to be trampled upon by friend and foe alike, and it seems that no more can I hold the feelings in. I want to break into song, like the slaves of yore, to cry out against the oppression that men have placed upon my soul. How much more can I take? How much more before I break? How much time do I have left before my heart hits the brakes? I am worn out, tired, done with being the joke. I have been smiled at, put on my back, spat at, come on. In my bid to please the world I am no better than a doormat; Is it wrong to think freely and treat all with fairness? Is it wrong to attempt to love even though it has done nothing but hurt you? Is it wrong to try to satisfy the world, so they don’t call you a bore? Is it wrong to want to be happy and carry others along? Is it wrong to have lofty dreams and aspire to reach heights? Is it wrong to take a chance on what it would be like to live the life?
To the ones who have stopped over in my life, those who heard my dreams and nodded and sighed, thank you for your temporary belief in me. Your scars you left me with remind me that even though I have dreams, the world may never see beyond what they can use me to achieve for themselves. Thank you for taking time out to explore my weaknesses and making it your strength, thank you for helping me see humans for what they really are. To Olisa, Mariam, to Ayo, to Tunde, and Bimbo, to the sweet and amiable Gbetoyon who is no better than a viper, what can I say? You all have touched my life in more ways than you ever would. I am grateful because I see in me a little of all of you. I see a complete person ready to take on the real world. The world has no place for weak people like the person I used to be before I met you all, no, the world has no place for that person. The world is a deadly place and only the tough can survive. I have even lost my will to cry :), tears which made me feel human make me feel disgusted now. All I can say here is thank you for coming into my life and changing it.
Is it really wrong to want to escape the realities of your sorry life? Is it really wrong to try to love people for who they are? Is it not utterly tragic that people would set out to make you regret the very essence of your existence? Are people not meant to make people feel good with the world? Are people not meant to be the sun that sends the clouds in your life away? Are people not supposed to be your blanket during stormy days? I may never know. All I am now is broken, and even though I know my writing this would not begin to take away the pain I feel, I want the world to know that you are responsible for what others feel. Be real.