Each step towards being a real grown up is labored and tedious for me. The realization that I am finding myself less interesting than I had thought i’d be is alarming. I mean, I thought I was “cool”. I thought I did not care about what people thought of me. Years before now I would not have cared if someone upped and left my world because I felt I did not need them.
It had always been “that’s one less problem to worry about”, now I am sitting here, thinking as Legend coos about how “beautiful” “my mind” is. I thought I was cool.
The thoughts of my death still haunt me, I had died several times before, and like the living dead I had wandered the earth wondering how it would be to feel something again. I yearned for it, pined for it. The feelings were not coming, I was stuck in an alternate world where I was ruler supreme and looked down my nostrils at mere earthlings. I was untouchable, what made me immortal was my best kept secret. Now like an onion picked out by the chef, my very core is being threatened. Its almost like I am dying and living at the same time.
You, my executioner and savior are oblivious of your role in this confused state I have found myself. I have not had this sort of urge to explode in a long time, my immortality cloak if failing me, the sun is beginning to burn. Incoherent, yet clear, my mind screams in pain telling me to stop this madness. The more you turn your back on me, the louder it screams. “Don’t leave me” , alternate Fred says “You never had me”, I wonder why you took it upon yourself to make a cameo in my dreams a fortnight ago, since it was not a thing. Incoherent ramblings from my mind to my fingers, and I feel much more crazy than I have ever felt in the history of my existence.
If my thoughts were words at all they’d go on about how much your brief stint herein has left me immortal. The words would no doubt be distorted because I can’t seem to shake off this temporary dyslexia I have got right now. I am not sure what the thoughts even mean, but in words they’d look like this “Come back, I miss you, I can’t stop thinking of you” …. I don’t think I am over that cliff yet, its still safe. Something is surely not right though, and maybe I jinxed it contrary to your admonition.