Yes I did. I can imagine that you would expect to read the gory details of how I supposedly killed some chic somewhere over some trivial issue or something of the sort. Sorry to disappoint you, the title is much more figurative than literal. But I did kill her. I mean, that entity inside of me yearning to reach out to the souls that are simply of no use to my existence… I killed her. If I could do it again, I would. A lot of times I ask myself, could it be me? Am I the problem? Do I seem to be avoiding the reality of this “odd predicament” of mine?
Maybe if I acted the fool more times than normal I’d be accepted. Or maybe if I turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to certain things, the problem won’t be me. I find however that the more I put in conscious efforts to be “accepted”, the more I fail in my objective.
As a person I have never laid claim to being likeable, in fact, that word probably got torn off my “dictionary” along with a few others… However I believe in tolerance, in exercising a certain amount of patience with all and sundry. I believe to be able to co-exist with others in peace and harmony, there must be a certain level of “dying to self” just to let the proverbial sleeping dogs remain asleep. I have never been an advocate of disturbing the peace, but I do not take kindly to deliberate attempts to make me join in the “fray”.
There must be a balance in all things, so I thought; a balance, a meeting point, a switzerland of characters where we can all live in harmony and conduct ourselves in the most decorous ways possible.
There are times when I would have never let her take over… No, I would never let her rear her “weak” head, because she is always taken for granted… I mean, she almost made me so soft I didn’t know who I was anymore! She almost ruined the essence of me! Don’t get me wrong, a part of me loved her, I was happy to know I had the innate ability to be humane, the ability to literally turn the other cheek when one was struck by the vicious people of this world. I almost felt like if I died today I would probably go to heaven (LOL)… Yea Yea, she was that “nice”.
Why did I kill her then? Why won’t I want to go to “heaven”.. Why would I run away from the pain that would promise me eternal happiness one day…. I don’t know… I guess I thought if the reason for going through such pain was worthwhile it wouldn’t have been a bad idea. There are days when I sit and wish that so many things about me would change… Then I ask myself, “how many people would change because of you”? “How many people really look inward before pointing at you and pronouncing the verdict indicting you of being the problem”? People just take you for granted when you keep trying to adjust to what they want you to be. Some are very happy that they have been able to make you atone for their own shortcomings…..
She had to die… She had to die… Maybe she would remain in my heart.. Who knows??
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