Its been a while since I thought of you, or saw you in my dreams.. But tonight I recall all the times when I seemingly used to matter to you. You’d laugh at my jokes, even though I was never a good jester, you’d tell me how much you loved me, and stroke my back…Oh how I miss those times. We were not married yet, heaven forgive us both, but I loved being with you. Now sitting here in this dark room I wish I had cherished you as much as you did me. Or at least I know you did. I should have known that you were a man who loved being free… One who would love to be around people, not like me who always wanted you all to myself… I should have known that when you called other girls “dear” it didn’t really mean that they were special to you than I was…. I wish I wasn’t so jealous whenever you spoke on the phone to another girl whenever I was with you.. I wish I wasn’t so selfish, I wish I opened myself to sharing you to the world….
Now without you, the joy I experienced is gone totally. You had been everything, I know it was wrong, but I built my life around you. You left because you felt I didn’t appreciate everything you did to show me how much you loved me in your own way. The truth is I knew you loved me, but I knew you loved other girls too…not like me, but to a degree where they could exploit it. I wish you could have tarried a while to see where I was coming from, all those times I’d “nag” and complain about some girl you were chatting with while I needed you full attention.
Now all I can do is wish you’d come back.. But I know you never would… I said so many things to you when I was angry at your rejection… But would you really have left me if you loved me? Would you have thrown the baby out with the bath water cuz it splashed a few drops of water on you? Didn’t you love me enough to try to see what my problem was with your generous frienship(s) with other girls?….. I miss you now more than ever… I wish I was quiet and never complained. Now that you’s gone, I have not been myself. Almost three months on and I still wish you’d call me to tell me you’d love to have me back…. Every day it dawns on me that you are gone for good…
Ps: John, I still have all your pictures, and I still kiss ’em and cry before I sleep…. Every night since you left. It won’t make you come back, but it would make you remember that this girl really loved and loves you.
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